Here's to you, Mom, and may God grant mercy on your husband's soul for going on a fishing trip with the 'other' son the day of your birthday, which also happens to be three days before Mother's Day. Bad move, Dad. I mean, really, who would want to suffer the wrath of this lady?
Ellen, Lance, and Reid Agan, March 27, 1987.
Welcome back faithful readers of the Jig and Twig!
The first team involved in calculating the DFW Sports Fan "Mass Suicide Index"?
Your Texas Rangers!!!!
I know, I know, it's a bit difficult to get excited about a franchise that has won exactly one playoff game in its 36 years of existence, but before we run down all of the reasons to fix that Drano martini, let's look at the relevant statistics:
Arrived in Arlington (via Washington D.C.) in 1972.
Playoff Appearances: 1996, 1998, 1999. (Yep, that's it)
Playoff Wins: 1 (which actually took place in the franchise's 1st playoff game, in Yankee Stadium no less)
Playoff Series Wins: 0
American League Championships: 0
World Series Championships: As if I really need to write this, 0.
Current Record: 15-20 after last night's 2-0 win in Seattle.
Finally, in the words of the almighty Wikipedia: "The Rangers (when combined with their predecessor the Senators) are the oldest franchise that has yet to appear in a World Series; in fact, they have yet to win any playoff series. They are the oldest franchise in the 4 major pro sports to never win a championship. In their history the team has only one playoff victory, on the road at Yankee Stadium in the franchise's first playoff game; they have never won a home playoff game."
After that type of horrific statistical rundown, I cannot blame you for a) beating yourself over the head with your remaining pog collection, b)actually fixing that Drano martini, or c) continuing to throw darts at the Tom Hicks voodoo doll pinned to your door.
With that said, it all really went wrong for the Rangers with the beginning of the A-Rod era in 2001. After a group led by Tom Hicks purchased the team in 1998, it appeared that the success of the mid to late-90's would continue for the foreseeable future, but Hicks, in an aim to make a "big splash" in the free agent market, spent the GDP of Ecuador on Pay-Rod, and that my friends, is when the proverbial excrement hit the fan.
A bit of hope arose for Rangers fans in 2004 when a team with a young core of stars such as Michael Young, Mark Teixeira, and Hank Blalock finished with an 89-73 record (even though they actually finished 3rd in the AL West that year. Good year for the AL West. Kind of like the 1994 Oscars with Forrest Gump, Shawshank, Pulp Fiction, and others in the running for Best Picture, but I digress). Unfortunately, the Rangers have finished under .500 in each year since 2004.
So, here we are, my fellow masochists.
The Rangers currently sit at 3rd place in the AL West (thanks to last night's victory over the M's), but the big question is: does anyone in the Metroplex/greater Texas area even care? I'm pretty sure that if the Cowboys had a run of ineptitude this striking, people would be lining up at the edge of Reunion Tower to end it all right there. The problem is, Rangers fans are like the cave-people in Plato's Republic: Since we've never actually seen the sun (playoff success), we're somehow quietly satisfied with watching the shadows created by a mere fire (perpetual mediocrity) instead of venturing out of the cave towards the sun itself. Once you see the sun, there's no going back to the cave as the same person who will be satisfied with the same things that once sated us.
Arguably, the most exciting thing to happen to the franchise in the last 2 years is the signing of Nolan Ryan as the team's President. One of my buddies once said, without a touch of irony, that the greatest moment in Rangers' franchise history was Nolan Ryan's pummeling of Robin Ventura in 1993. The Hicks/Daniels/Ryan brain trust has told us that the franchise's masterplan will have the Rangers ready to contend in 2010, and if prospects such as Chris Davis, Elvis Andruz, and Eric Hurley pan out, we might, but at that point, I might have turned to find a nice, cool glass of Jim Jones-brewed, cyanide-laced kool-aid by my side, just waiting to be sipped.
Fanbase Mass Suicide Index for the Rangers: 78 out of 100.
Tomorrow, the Mavs.
3 comments:
Could you have found a less flattering picture, dearest son??
For all of you amateurs (newlywed guys married less than 27 years): WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME - FOR PROFESSIONALS ONLY." This means you need to: 5) have been happily married for at least 27 years, 4) make daily phone calls to your wife while on fishing trip, telling her you're not having much fun, 3) return from trip with flowers in hand, 2) promise a get-away weekend to an undisclosed location (you guys have any ideas?), 1) check your calendar REAL close before ever planning a fishing trip!!!
Spoken from a true wise man. May we all be so smart and heed the words of Councilman Agan. Nice job, Dad.
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