The Jiggle Report

It is almost 2:00 in the afternoon and for 55 minutes now, the George Mitchell Report has been available to the world. I did download the pdf file that contained the entire report and was hoping to see a quick 50-70 name list that nailed cheaters to the wall. Instead, I got 409 pages of what looked like recycled material, stating everything we've heard for the last 5 years. In trying to describe how I feel, I can simply say it is put-out. It sounds like the report is delivering very little "new" news, but in a few cases it does sound significant. The Rocket, say it aint so. So, where to go from here, this is where Jig comes in to shine:

1. Major League Baseball should be disbanded immediately. I feel like we should take the stance of the late Nero and let Rome burn. Lets take this chance build up a sport in our own image.

2. Close Cooperstown. It is now a musuem dedicated to the rememberance of what use to be America's Game. It is gone, but not forgotten.

3. In the absence of MLB, the rise of the Major Backpaddle Union, MBU, takes its place. I will now take the next few paragraphs to explain exactly what MBU is:

a. Backpaddle is a game that is similar to baseball, but with a few additions and a few subtractions. It will take everything we love about baseball and remove things that we've had enough of. There will be 12 players on the field that is shaped like a rectangle, no more quarter circles. There is one batter and one advancer on offense at a time, with the other 10 being defenders. The batter tries to hit the Backpaddle Ball with a bat, while the advancer's job is too help the batter move up the field without getting pegged.

b. Advancers will carry an aluminum shield for blocking pegs, while the batter will carry a high powered air gun that shoots nerf like rockets, similar to a upper deck t-shirt launcher.

c. The object of the game on offense is to reach the end of the field without being pegged by the Backpaddle Ball. Every 20 yards there is a Sanctuary Square in which the Batter may not be struck. The Advancer goal is to protect the batter with their shield in any way possible. 11 points are rewarded to anyone who reaches the end.

d. The object on defense is to remove a batter from their feet using the Backpaddle Ball. There is one Deliverer who will advance the ball towards the batter by throwing, rolling, or kicking the Ball in his direction. Striking the batter without the batter hitting the ball is rewarded by 1 point. The batter has 2 attempts to advance the ball from the deliverer.

4. No more innings. There will be 5, 12 minute Slums that will make up a game. The team with the most points at the end of the match is awarded with a win.

I realize that most of you must be really disappointed after reading all of that. Well, thats about how I feel about Baseball. I don't know who to be mad at, or how to fell that for the last 12 years in the sport. The only thing more pathetic is I still pull for the Rangers. I cant even make any recommendations for baseball, but I hope Bud Selig realizes that MLB is just one step above the NHL and may not ever return to the prominence that it once had.

Jig